youarevaluable

The Value of Self

For many years now, I have kept a journal. And for the past year or so, I have been journalling about how I can possibly learn to value myself. Because I didn’t, you see. Coming from a traumatic childhood, I never believed I had any value. And I finally began to see that my daily actions were telling me just how little I thought of myself. But I didn’t know how to change!

So, I began to watch people. People I knew. People I didn’t know. People on the street, in the malls, everywhere I was, I watched what people did, how they treated themselves, what choices they made–even small ones! And along with watching people, I began to read about how to value myself. I read that people who value themselves make good choices for their own lives. They understand how to do things (like drinking and eating, for example) in moderation. They understand how much they can handle in a day. They understand their work habits, and they take care of their physical body. They make good food choices. They exercise. They get enough rest. I read all this and more about how a person behaves in their daily life, when they believe they have value.

As I read all this, I watched people whenever I went out to the mall or to the park. I saw the runners in their sports gear, running along the sidewalks or down the street. Why do they run? They run because they care enough about their health to want to keep their bodies in good shape. They want to have more energy. Because they value themselves, they run. Amongst other things. Whenever I would go to the food fair at the mall, I would watch people. I watched the choices they made in foods. I saw the healthy looking people choosing healthy foods in most cases. Why? Because healthy food keep their bodies looking and feeling strong. And people who value themselves care enough about themselves to want to stay healthy and energetic as much as they can.

And me? I believed I had very little value and I treated myself as such. I ate the wrong things most of the time. I sat on the couch most of the time. I overworked myself when at work, and then beat myself up for not being good enough. I stayed up too late, I didn’t sleep well at night, sometimes I would really binge out on food until I felt sick to my stomach. And other times I wouldn’t eat at all. I battled addictions because I didn’t know how to do things in moderation. I didn’t know what was good for me and what was bad for me. And what’s worse, I didn’t really care. I was a mess! I looked bad, felt worse, and I hated myself. I lived mostly in ‘overwhelm’ mode. Why? Because I had NO idea that I was valuable. No one had ever told me! It was a horrible part of my life, and I’m glad to say with each passing day I am putting it behind me.

As I read, and as I watched, a few things became clear to me. I began to see that a person that values themselves does good things for him/herself. They treat themselves WELL. A foreign concept to me. They know who they are, how they feel, and what they need. And they make sure they get it. They give themselves ONLY good things! And it would never cross their minds to abuse themselves. That would be a foreign concept to THEM!

One more thing I have learned about people who value themselves. They treat themselves WITH RESPECT! They are gentle and kind to themselves. Instead of beating themselves up if something didn’t go as they’d planned (as I would do) they LOVED themselves through it. How could I learn to do this?

I learned to do this with the help of a very wonderful counselor. She introduced me to my ‘inner child’. And she asked me to treat that child as I would any child–with loving care and concern. And patience. It was a difficult thing to learn. When I began bashing myself over something, I would try to think of the child–would I really treat a child this way? When I saw myself as having an inner child that needed love and care, I began to change. It took time. LOTS of time. But it’s one way I have learned (and am still learning) that I have value. I am valuable. And I deserve to treat myself with love and respect. I also began to speak to that part of my child that ‘didn’t care’. I had to acknowledge her feelings. I had to try to understand why she didn’t care. And I’ve had to tell her that I-the adult self-cares! I care! So very, very slowly the child in me is learning that it’s important to care about self.

It’s a process I’m still learning. But slowly I’m beginning treat myself as if I matter. In my day to day life, that is. I am making better choices. I am loving self more. I am keeping promises to myself more often–instead of making and breaking promises like I used to. I am giving myself permission to be happy, and to want good things for my life. It’s been life-altering, truly it has. If you stay with me, I’ll tell you more.

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